What I need to love again

Relationships come and relationships go. I envy that small handful of people who somehow manage to get it right the first time. Hell, I envy those who struggle through years of failed relationships only to find the love of their life when they need them the most. There have been a handful of times that I felt I had finally found the person I was meant to spend my life with, only to find out somewhere down the road that I was wrong. Again. Yeah, sometimes it has been my own fault, falling for someone so completely wrong for me that everyone could see disaster coming miles away, all the while, I was blinded by something I perceived to be so much more than it was. I fully admit that my fatal flaw is falling for those who can't, or won't, fall for me. Sometimes, the demise of the relationship was through no fault of my own. And then there were those times when a relationship fell apart simply because. No rhyme or reason, it just did. The beauty of love is that you can learn from it and grow, not just as a partner in future relationships, but as a whole person. I have taken every one of my past relationships and learned from them. Sometimes the lessons learned have been excruciatingly painful while others serve as a gentle reminder.

I recently found myself single again after being in a relationship for nearly a year. 50 weeks. 351 days. I'm not going to do the math to break down hours, minutes or seconds, it really isn't that important to me. What is important is the lesson I learned-that I allow myself to settle far too often for less than what I deserve. Yes, I said deserve. I allow myself to go without many of the things I so desperately need from a romantic partner. We all have those things that we want in a partner/relationship, but we also have needs. These needs are the things that we should never allow ourselves to waver from, but all too often we do because we are afraid of being alone. After much thoughtful introspection, I have finally figured out exactly what it is that I need before I will allow myself to fall in love again.

I need to have complete and total trust in you. My walls are built high. Probably higher than any man
should have to try and scale to win my heart, but they are what they are. I need to know that you can accept all of me-the good and the bad-and that you won't turn tail and run when things get tough. Because they will get tough. That's a part of life that won't ever change. I have been betrayed before and I find it difficult to trust (myself as well as others), but if you can show me that you are worthy of my trust, I promise you a partner whose trust in you will never bend. Trust is a two way street-believe in me and I will believe in you.

To quote Cheap Trick, "I need you to need me". When the time comes that I enter another relationship, I don't want it to be something casual. I want it to go somewhere. Where, I'm not sure. But I am sure of where I don't want it to go-nowhere. I need to know that you need me in your life as much as I need you. I want to be the one thing that is constant-the person you call when the news is good and bad. The person who will help celebrate your triumphs and stand by your side through your failures. I don't want to be your part time distraction, a mere afterthought after a busy day. I want to be the person you think of in the morning when you wake up and in the evening before you retire to bed.

I need you to show me who you really are. In this digital age, so many people hide behind their keyboards and cell phones. What we "see" isn't necessarily what we get. I want you to strip away all of the illusions and allow me to see the good and the bad. Your strengths as well as your weaknesses. I won't water myself down for you and I don't expect the same from you. I want to know you, completely unmasked and naked in all your personal glory. I need to know your most passionate desires and your deepest fears.

I need you to accept my children. Yes, I am a single mother, and with that comes school plays, sporting events, birthday parties, runny noses, fevers and a whole host of other distractions. Along with those distractions comes a plethora of hugs and kisses, funny stories, nights playing games and genuine love and affection. My children have a father, I don't expect you to step into that role. I would much rather you be their friend and mentor when the time is appropriate. I promise, the rewards are more than worth it.

I need you to be affectionate. I want to walk, proudly, by your side holding hands. Exchanging meaningful glances. Sharing inside jokes. Expressing our feelings for one another with kisses, some chaste, others passionate. I need you to be strong enough to take control yet soft enough to yield that control to me from time to time.

I need chemistry to be there. I need to be able to connect with you physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. I need companionship, but I also need to know that your desire for me is as deep as my desire for you.

I need you to be strong for me when I am at my weakest. I am human, I have bouts of crippling self doubt. I need you to be there while I cry it out. I need you to be my rock when I am a mere piece of paper twisting in a storm. I promise to be the same for you when you need me to be.

And most importantly, I need you to need these things from me. I will never ask of you what I won't willingly give to you.