I literally just got out of a nearly year long relationship with an amazing man. Unfortunately, he was emotionally distant. At first, I thought I could live with this. It was made very clear from the start that neither of us wanted our relationship to follow the traditional track towards marriage or even moving in together. Speaking for myself, I have been burned enough and didn't want to set myself for it again. He never spoke as to why he felt that way, but I have a very strong feeling it was for similar reasons. Whenever the topic of past relationships came up between, there was very little positive to talk about and I tried to respect his wish for privacy and not pry. Me, on the other hand, would mini rant. It's what us gals do. I tried not to go on and on, but on those days when one particular ex would piss me off, I'm sure I bitched too much. It happens.
Anyway...
I can honestly say this was hands down the MOST mature relationship I have ever had. Pretty sad to say this when I am on the brink of turning 43. We may not always have communicated with each other face to face on big topics, but talking via text seemed to flow fairly easy. My only real gripe was the fact that he never truly let me know where I stood with him. On more than one occasion, I told him I loved him (always via text because I didn't want him to feel pressured to respond in kind if I said it to his face). Sometimes it was in a joking tone, sometimes it was quite blunt. I told myself that I could live with his distance, but as time passed, it became more and more frustrating to me. We continued to spend time together, but I was always second guessing myself and us as a couple. There was also a huge physical disconnect that, for me, was a bigger source of frustration. The mere act of holding hands was almost unheard of as were even the most chaste of kisses. There were events I so badly wanted to attend, but if he didn't want to go, 99% of the time I wouldn't go either. Our time was mostly spent dining out, at home or with his friends. Don't get me wrong, his friends are a great group of people and I truly hope they remain my friends as well once news of our split gets out there, but we never did anything with anyone from outside of his social circle.
Last week, I was finally at my wits' end. I was ready to call it quits. Then came our Saturday afternoon lunch date, when things seemed to be going okay. "Seemed" being the operative word. After I returned home, he texted me and finally let me know where our relationship stood. He cared deeply for me and enjoyed our time together, but he wasn't in love with me and wouldn't be after the amount of time we had been together. He surprised me by saying he was willing to continue the relationship as it stood. Stunned, I didn't really have a reply to that. I spent that night at work talking with a friend between intermittent bouts of crying. The hardest part for me was trying to grasp the concept of not being in love with me but being willing to continue on. It didn't compute with my rational side and made even less sense to my emotional side. I went out after work and got rip-roaring drunk as I continued to try and figure things out. The next morning, I had a moment of true clarity. The point of being a relationship is to love and support one another. With no love, I could not--would not--continue on with him. I texted him and said what I had to say, crying as I did so. Letting go is never easy, especially after a significant period of time has passed, but it is what I had to do for myself. I told him that I couldn't do it, that I deserved to find the love and affection I deserved. Yes-I DESERVED! Finally, I was being true to myself.
I let my closest friends know of my decision to end things and all three expressed their support, telling me that my happiness was most important and that they were proud of me for finally allowing myself to move on. When asked if I was okay, I assured them that I needed a couple of days to grieve and that I would be fine. The bombshell was dropped on me Saturday, I made my decision to call it quits on Sunday and here it is Tuesday-48 hours tear free. I have to say, it feels good. Do I hate him? Not at all. In fact, I hope he one day finds the happiness he keeps denying himself. Do I still love him? Yes. You can't spend that much time with someone and instantly stop having feelings for them. Am I going to be okay? Yup. Getting stronger every day =) It is healthier for us both this way.
I spent nearly a year once again trying to put my partner's wants and needs ahead of my own and I am disappointed that I let it go on as long as I did. I talk a good game about never settling, but I turned around and did the one thing I advocate so strongly against. Does that make me a hypocrite? Fuck yes it does. But I promised myself when this relationship ended that I will not let it happen again. The day will come when I put myself out there and try to date again and I will sure as hell speak up when something bothers me. It isn't fair when one half of a relationship is unhappy with how they are being treated. It shouldn't work that way, whether it is intentional or not. In my case, I know it wasn't being done on purpose, but it WAS happening. And I let it continue.
Right now, I am sitting here contemplating if I am going to publish this immediately or if I am going
Well, the whole point behind writing this is catharsis for myself, so publish immediately it is. I'm not going to promote the link for my friends to read, but if anyone stumbles across this post, so be it. For once, I am putting myself and my feelings first. Damn the consequences,
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