Failing Miserably

 WOW! I started this blog back in 2016 as a way to keep my creative juices flowing, and it worked briefly. I started a 30 day writing challenge and actually followed through with a few prompts. Then I tackled a handful of personal topics. Then. Crickets. 

Several times over the course of the last 4 years something has happened and I thought to myself "I need to write about that" but I never did. And that's a true shame because some really good-and bad-things have happened. But I'm here now, through it all. Ready to try again. I'm not promising a daily post, although I would like to. I'm not even promising a weekly post even though that's much more attainable. But I am promising a lot more musings than I have shared over the last four years. 

Buckle up bitches-it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

What tattoos I have and what special meaning they have

Tattoos have always fascinated me. They speak to my rebellious, artistic side. Loudly!!! I don't remember when I first decided to adorn myself with ink, but it had to have been fairly early in my life. It seems that I was always in trouble for writing and drawing on myself and my clothes.

I remember talking with my father about getting my first tattoo done. I had gone with a friend and watched while she got her first one done. I was entranced and I wanted one, too. I had no clue what I wanted and we discussed the options. It was decided that when the time came, dear old dad would accompany me to get it done. Unfortunately, that day never came. He passed away before I could get my first tattoo done. It wasn't until after the insurance company had settled out his life insurance policy did I get my first tattoo done.

The day I received my check was the day I decided I was finally getting my tattoo done and it was to be in memory of him. His favorite color was blue, so I chose a blue rose surrounded by Celtic vinework and leaves. It was excruciating for me to sit still and wait as the needle rhythmically placed colored ink beneath my skin. Not because it hurt, because the pain was almost nonexistent, but because it was torture for me to still while it was being done. Afterwards, as I inspected my new artwork in the mirror, I felt a tinge of sadness as I remembered who was supposed to be with me at that moment. It hurt me deeply that my father wasn't there, but at the same time, I felt there was no higher honor than choosing my first tat in his memory.

My second tattoo also holds a very special meaning for me. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I suffer from BPD (borderline personality disorder). One of the symptoms, for a lack of a better word for it, is cutting. I have been a cutter since junior high school and my arms bear numerous scars from my turbulent past. I haven't cut into my flesh in nearly 3 1/2 years, but there have been a handful of times that I wanted to. As a way of reminding myself to be stronger than my illness, I got the word "fighter" tattooed amongst the scars on my left wrist. It is my way of telling myself that I am able to fight through the pain in my head and my heart and inflict more pain on my body. So far, it has served its purpose perfectly. It has the added bonus of being a conversation starter. Numerous people have asked me its significance and I am not shy about admitting my illness to anyone. It is a part of who I am, and if my tattoo can help someone else come to terms with themselves, it is worth it.

In addition to the blue rose honoring my father, I plan on getting a similar rose in honor of each of my children in their favorite colors. Pink for Emily, purple for Abby, orange for Chris and yellow for Michael. And to honor myself, I am planning on getting a chef sleeve done. Yes, I know it pretty much seals my fate as being a cook for the rest of my life. But I'm OK with that. Its what I do and its what I'm passionate about.

A place I would live but have never visited

I have never been much of a traveler. I prefer my adventures to be within a day's drive from home. I am perfectly content to allow my sister be the world traveler. This post is about a place where I would live yet have never visited. For me, this was a very easy topic to tackle. I have always said that if I had the means, I would pack up my children and move to Sweden.

Why Sweden, you ask? Well, for starters, it is one of the countries that my family comes from. My mother's parents were Swedish and Norwegian, so it makes sense to me that I would want to go to my "motherland". The pictures that I have seen of the country show a stunning landscape of snow, mountains, agriculture, forest and lakes. While most people automatically assume that Sweden is covered in snow most of the time and quite cold, the opposite is true. Southern areas, where the bulk of the population resides, has a climate similar to what I currently experience here in Ohio, with four distinct seasons.

Another advantage, in my opinion, of living in Sweden is their standard of living. The country provides universal healthcare and tertiary education for its citizens. Two things I find sorely lacking here. It has the world's eighth highest per capita income and and ranks highly in quality of life, health, education, civil liberties and other metrics of national performance. The country also maintains a stance of neutrality when it comes to foreign affairs.

Sweden also appeals to me on a much more personal level as there is a relatively low number of people who believe in god residing there, the country was one of the first to embrace gender equality and they have a relatively high number of single people living in the country. Sweden has a culture that is deeply rooted in its history and revolves around the changing of the seasons.

Ever since I first heard tales of trolls and elves and gnomes and fairies, Sweden has always held a special place in my soul. I hope one day to visit so I can behold the beauty and richness the court has to offer. Who knows, if I do, I may never come back!

Ten Interesting Things About Myself

To be honest, I don't consider myself to be an interesting person. I want the simple things in life: a happy and healthy family, a job I love, a home of my own and to share my life with people who deserve to have me in their lives. I think I am actually pretty boring. I am a single mom precariously walking the fine line between sanity and having a total mental breakdown. I work too much. I am always stressed out over something. And I cry entirely too much about the things that I have no control over. However, I have had some very interesting experiences over the last 42 years, 51 weeks and 1 day (for those of you trying to do the math, I turn 43 this coming Sunday LOL). Here are ten interesting things about me:

1. I'm not the crazy cat lady, even though I do own two of Satan's furry minions. Instead, I am the crazy recipe lady. I have two book shelves dedicated to cookbooks, cooking and food magazines, recipes I have printed from the internet or cut out from magazines and collected from product packages. I also literally have several hundred bookmarked on my laptop and even more spread out through the internet. Need a recipe? I am your go-to girl!
2. When choosing my children's names, I was sure to include names from other family members. My sons share names with their grandfathers and uncles. My daughters share names with a grandmother, an aunt and a cousin. 
3. I suffer from borderline personality disorder. 
4. My cats are named after my two favorite styles of beer: Stout and Porter.
5. I am extraordinarily clumsy. If there is a silly way to hurt myself, I have probably done it. Cut myself on granola? Check! Tripped on the bottom stair and broken three toes? Check! Burnt off an acrylic nail lighting a cigarette? Check!
6. Three of my all-time favorite movies are animated ones from Disney: Fantasia, Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid. In fact, Fantasia is the main reason I have such an affinity for classical music. 
7. My eyes are grey, but depending on the makeup and clothes I wear and my mood, they will change color ranging from sapphire blue to gun metal to almost black. If they are close to black, you better run!
8. Once upon a time, in a lifetime far, far away, I worked as a stripper. For nearly 8 years of my life I was known as Aimee by day and Katt by night.
9. I am a beer geek through and through. I am writing a cookbook where every recipe includes a craft beer and I am working to become a cicerone.
10. I suffer from what I call creative ADD. I write, I paint, I draw, I craft, I love taking photographs, and I work as a chef. My mind is always in a creative jumble, which often results in insomnia. 

My Earliest Memory

Memories...

Fragments from our past that resurface from time to time to remind us of what once was. What will never again be.

Yeah, I know. I sound like a real downer. That happens when your childhood experience feels like a giant rip-off. Bitter? Hell yes I am. But before I go off on a rant that is better saved for Day 24, I am going to focus on the day's prompt that lies before me. This post is supposed to be about my earliest memory. Can I even pick on single, solitary moment? They all kind of run together into one big blur. Was that an actual memory? Was it a dream? Do I actually remember that moment or is it only because someone has talked about it so much that it feels like a memory. I knew this one was going to be difficult, I just didn't realize how much so...

Looking back at my childhood, the earliest memory that comes to mind was when my mother had her appendix out, and the memory itself is very foggy and fragmented. I may have been 2 or 3 at the time, the very oldest 4 and I feel that is stretching it. I had the mumps when I was 4 and I have a fairly good recollection of that. Anyway, back to the topic at hand.

My mother had appendicitis sometime within the first 4 years of my life. I have no memory of visiting her at the hospital, and I seriously doubt that I did. I don't even remember her not being at home, I just remember being told that she had surgery and was really sore and that I had to be gentle with her so I didn't hurt her. For a child of my age, I found it all very confusing, but I did as I was told. I remember her wearing her long sleeping gowns and her green fuzzy zip-up robe for several days and taking a lot of naps with her on our ugly green couch. The smell of sweat was an ever present scent, not over powering, but simply there. Which makes sense seeing as how she was always  bundled up and under a blanket, plus the heat from two bodies being curled up together. We both seemed to always have a fine band of perspiration along our hair lines as well, from the shared heat of the confined space.

My first memory is neither a bad memory nor a good one, it just simply is. Some people's first recollection may be of a life changing event, but mine is rather mundane. Part of me feels like I am cheating myself and my readers by not writing about a more momentous occasion, but it is what it is. This is my first memory.

This post is a part of a 30 Day Writing Challenge that I am participating in for the month of April. 

Five Problems with Social Media

Don't get me wrong, social media is a wonderful tool that I use every day of my life. It has helped me forge new friendships and business connections that I never would have if it wasn't for the internet. It has also helped me reconnect with friends and loved ones from my past. Hell, it has even helped me find my voice and given me an outlet for sharing my opinions. All good things in my opinion. Unfortunately, social media is not always a good thing. Here are five things that I consider to be problems with social media:

1. The world is seen in either black or white. Everything online is so polarized these days. People see things exclusively in white (their opinion) or black (any opinion that is contrary to theirs). It has never been more obvious than during this election cycle. Every day I see people viciously attack one on another because of a difference of opinion. An opinion is a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. Opinions people, we are all entitled to them. They are not right or wrong, they just simply are. Let me repeat that--They are not right or wrong, they just simply are. We all have' em. 
2. The fakeness of it all. Every day I see people makes posts about how wonderful their life is, how perfect their spouse is, how angelic their children are, etc, etc, etc. I call bullshit! Nobody's life is wine and roses day in and day out. There are those refreshing people who don't try to bs their way through social media and I love them for it. I try valiantly to be one of those people myself. No illusions with me. If I'm happy, you know it. If I am pissed off, you know it. Sometimes to the point that I embarrass myself. But I would rather be a fool than a liar. 
3. The disconnect it can sometimes create. While I have been fortunate to make some amazing friends through social media, it can also create a disconnect from society. It is easier for many people to sit behind a keyboard all day (and night) and communicate with the world around them. Unfortunately, I have noticed that many of these people lack the critical skills need to effectively communicate with others face to face. A perfect example of this from my personal life goes back three years ago when I was dumped via Facebook messenger. Instead of doing the right thing and ending the relationship face to face, or even voice to voice over the telephone, I was told over chat that it was over. I have friends that have similar stories to tell, including one who was recently fired over Facebook. Social media gives many the courage to do and say things that they would never do in real life, the courage to do amazingly cowardly things.
4. The competition it creates. For many, social media is a popularity contest-no more, no less. It used to be said that he with the most toys wins, but a lot of people carry that attitude online these days. If you don't have enough friends, you are viewed inferior in some way. You don't have 1,000+ friends? There is obviously something wrong with you... People, life is not a competition. Social media shouldn't be either. 
5. Bullying. I was an abused child, I have never hidden this fact from people. I was also bullied in high school, once again, I have never hidden this fact. As an adult, people still try to bully me online. But guess what? Zero fucks given. I don't really give a damn if you don't like my religious outlook (or lack of) or that I am pro-choice, or my opinion on any other number of topics. I am who I am and I believe what I believe. Nothing anyone says or does is going to change that. But that doesn't stop the bullies. The bullies that call me names, the bullies that tell me I am weak, the bullies that try to play my friends off of me for their own sick, twisted pleasure. I don't know why it doesn't bother me as an adult when it hurt so deeply as a kid, but it's water off this old duck's back. Unfortunately, not everyone is as strong as I am when it comes to social media bullying. Words hurt. Actions hurt. The wound may not always be physical, but the pain is every bit as painful. I don't know what it is about the internet that brings out the worst in people, but lives are ruined because people feel entitled to be assholes in a public forum without pausing for a moment to consider the consequences of their actions. 

This post is a part of a 30 Day Writing Challenge that I am participating in for the month of April. 

Thirty Day Writing Challenge

One of the things I enjoy most in this world is writing. I currently write on a number of various topics on the internet and am working on a cookbook. Right now, everything I post is non-fiction in one form or another, how to's, guides, recipes, reviews, etc. As a child, I was quite a prolific creative writer and published the very first time when I was in fifth grade in a young authors program. Throughout school, I wrote a variety of fiction stories, myths and copious amounts of poetry. As I grew older, I distanced myself further and further from the realm of fiction, tackling more non-fiction topics as my creativity became stifled by the demands of work and parenting. When 2015 morphed into 2016, I made a promise to myself that I would start writing creatively again. A couple of weeks ago, a meme popped up on my Facebook feed titled the "30 Day Writing Challenge" and I decided to embark on this challenge beginning this month. Each day for the entire month of April, I will be tackling the corresponding challenge. I'm sure the results will be an eclectic mix of funny, sad, eye opening, enlightening and more. For those of you that are interested in following along, here are the 30 prompts with links to the individual blog post.

1. Five problems with social media
2. My earliest memory
3. My first love and first kiss (First crush, first true love, first kiss)
4. Ten interesting things about myself
5. A place I would live but have never visited
6. Someone who fascinates me and why
7. What tattoos I have and what special meaning they have
8. A book I love and one I didn't
9. My feelings on ageism
10. A fruit I did not like and why
11. My current relationship status
12. Two words or phrases that make me laugh
13. My commute to and from work
14. My life in 7 years
15. Three pet peeves
16. Bullet list my entire day
17. A quote I try to live by
18. My favorite color and why
19. Five fears I have
20. Put my music player on shuffle. Write down the first 3 songs that play and my initial thoughts of them
21. My zodiac sign and whether I think it fits me
22. My morning routine
23. A family member I dislike
24. Something I miss
25. Four weird traits I have
26. Things I'd say to an ex
27. What I wore today
28. The word or phrase I use constantly
29. The night of my 21st birthday
30. One thing I am excited for

It is my hope that these prompts will help to energize my creative spirit and help me forge ahead in my writing career. I love writing non-fiction, but the time has come to awaken the sleeping creative spirit that lurks inside of me and begin publishing more and more fiction as well. 

Something to think about

I follow a blog named "Marc and Angel Hack Life". It's filled with all kinds of thought-provoking, inspiring posts that sometimes really help me find the center of what is (or should be) important in life. More than once I have uttered "a-ha!" to myself as I read their insightful posts. This one came through my email today and I felt compelled to share it with you guys. It made me stop and think, I hope it does you, as well! I highly recommend signing up to follow their blog, it really does help put this life into perspective.

When you’ve been running a successful personal development blog and life coaching business for the better part of a decade, one thing becomes crystal clear: Everyone has the same basic wants and needs. No kidding, over the years Marc and I have gotten to know thousands of people of different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels, and trust me, every one of us basically wants the same things. We want validation, love, happiness, fulfillment, money, and hopes for a better future. The way we pursue these needs is where things branch off, but the fundamentals are the same. Think about it. If I ask you, “Quickly, in one sentence, what do you want most out of life?” I bet your rushed response is going to be something like, “I want to be happy, and have a healthy family, and a career I like that pays well, etc." Your response is going to be so common and ubiquitous that it basically doesn’t even mean anything. Which is precisely why senseless, happy-go-lucky questions like this aren’t very helpful. And yet, this is precisely the kind of questions we often ask ourselves. So what kind of questions might you ask instead? Questions that force you into a corner. Questions that help you embrace the sacrifices it takes to get where you want to go. Questions that motivate you to focus on the next step forward. In other words, questions like...

1. What is worth suffering for? 
If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six-pack abs, you have to want the sweat, the sore muscles, the early mornings at the gym, and the low carb meals. If you want the successful business, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business deals and decisions, and the possibility of failing fifty times to learn what you need to know to succeed. If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is just an idealization, a fantasy, and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all, because you’re not willing to suffer though the work it’s going to take to achieve it. 

2. Based on my daily routines and actions, where can I expect to be in five years?
This question just backs up the first one. If you have an idea about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to DO things that support this idea every day. An idea, after all, isn’t going to do anything for you until you do something productive with it. In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head it’s doing far more harm than good. Your subconscious mind knows you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you. The necessary work that you keep postponing causes stress, anxiety, fear, and usually more procrastination – a vicious cycle that continues to worsen until you interrupt it with ACTION. 

3. What old rejections (or failures) are still holding me back?
All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some opinionated person or narrow circumstance once told us was true. Of course, an old rejection doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough; it just means some person or circumstance from our past failed to align with what we had to offer at the time. It means we were graced with more time to improve our thing – to build upon our ideas, to perfect our craft, and indulge deeper in to the work that moves us. Don’t let old rejections take up permanent residence in your head. Kick them out on the street. 

4. What is worth smiling about right now?
A recent scientific study at Duke University showed that doctors who are put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant boosts to their intellectual abilities than doctors in a neutral state, which allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster. The same study then shifted to other vocations and found that optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%. Students primed to feel happy before taking math tests substantially outperform their neutral peers. So it turns out that our minds are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative, or even neutral, but when they are positive. 

5. Are the people around me helping me or hurting me?
A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with. And as you know, it is better to be alone than in bad company. You simply cannot expect to live a positive, fulfilling life if you surround yourself with negative people. Distancing yourself from these people is never easy, but it’s a lot harder when they happen to be close friends or family members. As hard as it may be, it’s something you need to address. To a certain degree, luck controls who walks into your life, especially as it relates to your family and childhood friends, but you decide who you spend the majority of your time with.