To the one I pushed away

To the one I pushed away, I am sorry. So very, truly, deeply sorry.

You stood by me while I let others walk all over me. I never realized just how true, how pure your feelings were. You tried so hard to be the one I wanted, the one I fell for. But somehow, you always came up just a little bit short.

Looking back, I realize how terribly I treated you and I am genuinely sorry. We've discussed going back in time and you said you'd do it if you could have today's brain in yesterday's body. I said I would never go back. Well, I lied. Yesterday's body with today's heart. Yes, so I could see and truly appreciate what you tried so valiantly to be.

I know there were other outside forces working against us. But if I could have just pulled my head out of my ass long enough to see. Over the years, I've both loved and hated you. More than once, I felt betrayed by you. Yet somehow through it all, after all these years, I can once again call you my friend. I wish we had never parted ways, but if we hadn't, would you being in my life now mean as much as it does?

All I know is that you're here now. And here is where I will hope you will stay. Yet I don't know if that's possible. Once again, so many outside factors could easily pull us apart. If that's what is meant to be, then that is what is meant to be. But for some crazy reason, I feel like this time might be different. Maybe its just my tipsy, maudlin heart crying out to be loved. Maybe its more. Possibly, much less.

A reason, a season, a lifetime

The old saying a reason, a season or a lifetime is resonating through my brain for some reason this morning. If you are unfamiliar with it, please read the photo I added to this post for a bit of clarity. It states that "People come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." By and large, I do believe this to be true. Some people are meant to be in your life for a brief moment, a quick blip of the radar screen of life while others are meant to be there for the long haul. Some blow in like a summer storm and breeze back out just as quickly. A reason. A season. A lifetime. Up until today, it has just been saying, having no real substance in the grand scheme of my life. I believe it is the re-emergence of some people from my past that has the saying suddenly at the front and center of my mind.

A REASON
Some people have crossed my path for the sole purpose of teaching me a lesson. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always a learning experience. Last night I received a message from the ghost of boyfriends past. Someone I had a fling with years and years ago that I tried reconciling with over the summer. His reason? I believe the reason he entered my life again was to teach me the value of honesty and being truthful, especially with myself. I have always valued honesty in all of my relationships, but for my closest loved ones, it is vital. However, I have always struggled to maintain complete honesty with myself. I tell myself that I am ok being single. And I am. But deep down, I want that someone special to come into my life and share the up's and down's and everything in between's.

The short time we were together this summer was packed with lies. Little white ones and huge grand daddy whopper ones. Fortunately, I caught on quickly and ended things as fast as they started. The last couple months have been filled with silence until he suddenly sent me a message last night. Not wanting to hear any more lies or excuses I hit the delete button and asked a mutual friend to tell him that I wanted no contact with him. It seems that he is now suffering from brain cancer. Maybe he wants to right his wrongs. But I doubt it. Two of the three pictures he posted of his "tumor" were lifted from the internet. Yeah, so much for atonement.

Honesty...

Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard, and mostly what I need from you

Aahhh, Good old Billy Joel. Singer, piano player and lyricist extraordinaire. Honesty is what I need most from myself and from others. It may be cold and brutal at times, but I would rather hurt for a moment than suffer a lifetime of scars.

A SEASON
Longer than a reason but shorter than a lifetime. Therein lies "the season". Seasonal people may literally be a part of your life for just a season, but some stick around for a longer span of time. I believe they also enter one's life to teach a lesson, but their teachings are a lot less in your face or blunt as the "reasons" are. These lessons require more time and detail to learn and fully appreciate. Seasons are the mentors, the tutors, the teachers. I am a chef by trade and have learned so many wonderful lessons from so many knowledgeable people in my vocation. These people make up the bulk of my seasons. I have worked side by side with many seasons, learning the craft and soaking up their knowledge. Just last weekend, I found myself being another cook's season. It was a wonderful moment when I realized that the lessons I have learned in the kitchen were being passed on to the next generation.

I have worn the title of "manager" or "chef" for a number of years now and it has always felt a little uncomfortable to me. I have no formal degree in either, instead learning directly from others and through trial and error on my own. And let me tell you, there have been some momentous errors along the way, both in my approach to managing others and in cooking technique. While I rarely seek out the manager title, it often gets bestowed upon me and I am learning to accept it. Will I ever truly be comfortable with it? Probably not, but que sera, sera. The only true part of being the leader that I truly embrace is the sharing of the knowledge I have collected along the way. For me, the 29 years I have spent in the kitchen has been worth every drop of blood, sweat and tear shed since it means I get to be someone else's season and teach them the lessons I have learned. If only one person I have helped moves on to a leadership position and continues the cycle of learning, my time will have been well spent. To all my seasons, I thank you and hope our paths will cross again one day!

A LIFETIME
This one may seem obvious to most of you. A lifetime is a person who has been there from the start, yes? Not always. My lifetimes have run the gamut of time spent in my life. They need not necessarily be a physical presence from beginning to end to be a "lifetime". It is how deeply they touch the heart that makes someone a lifetime in my eyes. Some of my lifetimes are actually fairly recent additions to my life, while others made an early exit from my existence.

I lost my mother at the age of 15 and my father at age 24. They are hands down the greatest influences on my life, as parents usually are, but for vastly different reasons. My mother was a harsh, cruel woman with narcissistic tendencies and a propensity for abuse. Harsh words were routinely spoken and punishments swift and severe. It has not been easy, but I am one of the lucky few who have been able to overcome the cycle of abuse and I use her words and actions daily to be a better parent to my children. Not every lesson learned from my mother was bad, though. She did teach me the love of cooking and reading. Those two skills have carried me further in my life than anything else ever could have. For everything bad my mother said or did, my father desperately tried to compensate for. He was not an emotional or affectionate man, so the smallest gesture from him was a huge deal to me. He taught me the value of hard work and what it means to go above and beyond what is expected. He nurtured my creative side and urged me to pursue my passions, however fleeting they were. While my parents couldn't have been any more opposite of each other, the lessons they taught me will most certainly last my lifetime and I hope some of those will linger through future generations of my family.

A more recent addition to my lifetimers is a friend and former roommate of mine. We met at work and hit it off from the start, but I kept her at arm's length, as I usually do with people. Even while we lived together, I tried to maintain a certain amount of space between us. She saw me at my best and at my worst, but she never saw all of me. She still hasn't, but I am working on that. I was recently a bridesmaid in her wedding and that was such an eye-opening experience for me. I have been a member in other wedding parties, but hers was different. I have never played well with other females, preferring the company of men, but she has taught me the value of a strong female focused friendship. I have started letting my down and letting more women into my inner circle and I am finding myself a better person for it. She may have entered my life later than most, but her influence has most certainly been far reaching.

At any given time in our lives, we are somebody's reason, season or lifetime. I have learned that this is how we grow and become better people. Some of us learn the lessons we need in order to live a happier, more enriched life. Some will keep their eyes closed to the very lessons they need to learn. My request to all of you is to please open your eyes and hearts to the lessons surrounding you every day and try to make the most of them. We will all be better people for it. If you find yourself in the position of being the teacher, try to teach gently and kindly, with patience and compassion. Life is hard and it teaches us some very harsh truths. Try to buffer these harsh realities with strength in your convictions, truth in your words and love in your hearts.

My First Love and First Kiss: Part Two

Who could ever forget their first love? Not just their first crush, but their first TRUE love? The first person they ever uttered those panic inducing, terrifying words to? I know I couldn't. My first love was everything I had thought love could be in my young, naive mind. Everything and so much more. It was reckless, it was passionate, it was heady, it was crushing. All in all, it was absolutely, wonderfully, horribly perfect.

His name was Larry and he was a junior when I met him, I was a freshman whose life was in utter disarray. My mom had gone into the hospital right before the school year started and the news was far from good-terminal brain cancer. Even though my mother and I never saw eye-to-eye, I was losing her right when I needed her most. That's when he entered my life. I remember the first day that I met him was New Year's Day 1988. I had spent the night with my best friends and a group of us got together to hang out. To me, he was larger than life and something about his presence immediately drew me to him. He was seeing someone at the time, but that didn't stop a friendship from being forged between the two of us. When she moved out of state, we began seeing each and I tumbled down a path into young, crazy love. When she unexpectedly moved back, everything between us came to a screeching halt. I was left hurt, confused and felt like every heartbeat would be my last.

Luckily for me, she had a strict father who placed restrictions on when the two of them could see each other, so after the initial hurt wore off, he and I started spending time together again. Deep down in my heart, I knew I was just a fill-in, but at that point in time, I would do whatever it took to be with the boy who so captivated my heart. They eventually split up and we got back together. I was over the moon happy and felt like nothing would ever tear us apart again. Ah, young love! I only had eyes for him and I was confident he only had eyes for me. That was until I found out that he had sex with one of my best friends behind my back. Several people had approached me about the situation and my friend even admitted it to me. However, he denied it ever happened. I was crushed. Nothing could stop the river of tears that streamed from my eyes. My days were a blur of anger and hurt and resentment and betrayal. Ever love song that I heard made my heart crumple inside, and a few times my knees even buckled out of the grief of the situation. To make matters worse, my mother's health was failing fast, which left me reeling in another way. I felt like my entire world was falling apart and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It all came to a head over Memorial Day weekend when my sister and I got into a huge fight and I left home. Frantically, I tried calling my boyfriend to come get me away, but he had plans with friends. I called one of his best friends, who came and picked me up. We spent the entire day out with his family, going to a softball game then out to eat. After, we went to one of my favorite places in the world-Caesar's Creek Gorge and walked around and talked under the moonlight. I don't know when during that night the plan took form in my head, but that night it would be tit for tat and I lost my virginity to one of my boyfriend's best friends. I'm not proud of what I did, but I do not regret it, either. It was what I needed at that moment in my life when everything was falling apart. A few days later, my mom died. Looking back, that whole summer is a blur. I don't remember when we actually broke up, but sometime during that summer or the beginning of my sophomore year, the relationship came to an end for good, or so I thought.

He went on to date one of my best friends and as we vied for her time and attention, became enemies of sorts. Part of me still hated what he had put me through and I am sure he felt the same towards me. They dated for all of my sophomore year and well into my junior year then one fateful night brought us back together. A group of our mutual friends got together over Thanksgiving weekend and we were both invited over. I didn't want to be anywhere near him, but at the same time I wanted to be with my friends, so I relented and I went. Somehow through the course of the night, it was evident that all of our animosity masked the feelings we refused to admit to each other. We still cared for one another. When dawn broke and everyone began to part ways, the question of who would be taking me home came up. One of my best friends saw what was unfolding and insisted that he take me home, he didn't want to see me hurt again. My ex was just as adamant that he would be taking me home, reassuring my friend that everything would be fine. I left with my ex and we spent much of the weekend together, thoroughly enjoying each other's company. His brown eyes had never melted my heart like they did that weekend. His deep voice never sounded richer to my eager ears. And his hands on mine never felt more perfect. Yup, we were well on our way to getting back together.

Needless to say, the two of us getting back together caused some big problems. I lost my best friend when I chose to be with him. And the rancor amongst some of our mutual friends was obvious. It didn't matter to us, we were back together and so in love with each other. We continued to date through my senior year, my graduation and most of the following summer. The good times were amazing, the bad times were downright awful. We both did each other wrong, but we also lifted each other up. The dichotomy of our relationship was dizzying for us both and the whirlwind finally came to an end as summer was coming to a close. No matter how badly we treated each, nothing had prepared me for the onslaught that our breakup rained on me. In my mind, I kept telling myself that we had always overcome the obstacles in our path, that we would overcome this, too. I was never so wrong in my life. This wasn't an ordinary breakup, this was love turned into seething, blinding hatred. Not long after, he moved to Florida and I was left to nurse my wounds through winter.

The last time we saw each other was in 1991 and I often thought of him over the years. There was never any illusion of us randomly meeting and a grand romance rekindling. It was more of a mild curiosity. You can't spend 4 years of your life in someone's life and not look back on them fondly from time to time. Several years ago our paths crossed on MySpace and we began chatting. We exchanged a few sad emails as we updated each other on the losses we have both had (my father, his brother). When I joined Facebook, I sought him out and added him as a friend. I find myself browsing his pictures from time to time when my heart wanders back to our high school days. If I come across a picture that I know he will like or laugh at, I will post it to his wall and from time to time I will comment on a thread where appropriate. Our lives have taken us in such opposite directions that we really don't have much in common anymore other than those 4 shared years, but he will always be my first true love and he will always own a piece of my heart. Part of me envies anyone who goes on to marry their high school sweetheart, but I know that even though we talked about it, we were never meant to be forever. What we had was so over the top, there was no way we could sustain it for any true length of time. And you know what, that's perfectly fine. There's an old saying that people enter our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. His season was 4 years, but those memories will last a lifetime. Do I regret the wrongs I did him? No, I truly don't. I don't believe in regrets. I firmly believe that every action and reaction shapes us into the people we are today and I think we are both better people as we learned so much from each other. Am I sorry for some of the things I put him through? Fuck yes I am. I am not proud of the wrongs I did him and I hope that after all this time he realizes that. I tried to love him in the best possible way I knew how, and there were numerous times that love went astray. Things were bound to go insane when two personalities as forceful as ours collided that fateful New Year's Day. I am just glad that after all was said and done, we are both able to be friends of sorts and share an occasional humorous memory.

This post is a part of a 30 Day Writing Challenge that I am participating in for the month of April. 

My first love and first kiss: Part One

Aaahhhh, young love. It makes us do-and say-crazy things! It is so over the top that after experiencing it, a life is never the same. While thinking about today's writing prompt, I couldn't decide if I should write about my first crush (it certainly felt like love to me) or my first boyfriend (the first man that I ever uttered those frightening words to), so I decided to tackle both topics before moving on to the topic of my first kiss.

My first crush felt like so much more than a mere crush. I felt my feelings for him from the tip of my nose to the tips of my toes and every where in between! His name was Heath and we were in the same grade together at Springboro Junior High School. He was a little bit taller than me with brown hair, the most amazing brown eyes and the best butt I think I have ever personally seen to this day on a man. He played basketball and ran track and we shared some of the same classes. He lived close enough to me that he would come over in the evenings and we would shoot hoops and talk together until the street lights came on. He was every thing I ever wanted in a boy-smart, cute, athletic and nice. God, he was so nice! Different from most of the other guys I went to school with who were always so full of themselves or so awkward that the mere thought of talking to a girl spun them into a panic. He was beautiful and confident and oh, so perfect in my young eyes!

I remember being on the newspaper and yearbook staff and going to the home basketball under the guise of photographing the events, but in reality I went so I could watch and fawn over him. I would say 75% of the pictures I took had him as the star. We had quite a few of the same friends, so we hung out together at parties from time to time, but the evenings spent playing basketball were what mattered most to me. He was the one person I always felt I could be myself with. No drama, no bullshit, just a boy and a girl sharing time together and enjoying each other's company. The summer before we started high school changed all that. He went to Egypt to spend the summer with his mom and my mother was in the hospital with brain cancer. He came home just before the start of our freshman year and we talked briefly about my mom and that was the last time we ever hung out together. I'm not sure what caused our friendship to drift apart, but that late summer day was the beginning of the end. School started and we went our separate ways. When I think of high school, he is always the one person I remember most fondly. And I always wonder whatever happened to him. Where does he live, is he married, does he have children? He was such a prominent force in my life that he will always hold a special place in my heart-my first love.

This post is a part of a 30 Day Writing Challenge that I am participating in for the month of April. 

What I need to love again

Relationships come and relationships go. I envy that small handful of people who somehow manage to get it right the first time. Hell, I envy those who struggle through years of failed relationships only to find the love of their life when they need them the most. There have been a handful of times that I felt I had finally found the person I was meant to spend my life with, only to find out somewhere down the road that I was wrong. Again. Yeah, sometimes it has been my own fault, falling for someone so completely wrong for me that everyone could see disaster coming miles away, all the while, I was blinded by something I perceived to be so much more than it was. I fully admit that my fatal flaw is falling for those who can't, or won't, fall for me. Sometimes, the demise of the relationship was through no fault of my own. And then there were those times when a relationship fell apart simply because. No rhyme or reason, it just did. The beauty of love is that you can learn from it and grow, not just as a partner in future relationships, but as a whole person. I have taken every one of my past relationships and learned from them. Sometimes the lessons learned have been excruciatingly painful while others serve as a gentle reminder.

I recently found myself single again after being in a relationship for nearly a year. 50 weeks. 351 days. I'm not going to do the math to break down hours, minutes or seconds, it really isn't that important to me. What is important is the lesson I learned-that I allow myself to settle far too often for less than what I deserve. Yes, I said deserve. I allow myself to go without many of the things I so desperately need from a romantic partner. We all have those things that we want in a partner/relationship, but we also have needs. These needs are the things that we should never allow ourselves to waver from, but all too often we do because we are afraid of being alone. After much thoughtful introspection, I have finally figured out exactly what it is that I need before I will allow myself to fall in love again.

I need to have complete and total trust in you. My walls are built high. Probably higher than any man
should have to try and scale to win my heart, but they are what they are. I need to know that you can accept all of me-the good and the bad-and that you won't turn tail and run when things get tough. Because they will get tough. That's a part of life that won't ever change. I have been betrayed before and I find it difficult to trust (myself as well as others), but if you can show me that you are worthy of my trust, I promise you a partner whose trust in you will never bend. Trust is a two way street-believe in me and I will believe in you.

To quote Cheap Trick, "I need you to need me". When the time comes that I enter another relationship, I don't want it to be something casual. I want it to go somewhere. Where, I'm not sure. But I am sure of where I don't want it to go-nowhere. I need to know that you need me in your life as much as I need you. I want to be the one thing that is constant-the person you call when the news is good and bad. The person who will help celebrate your triumphs and stand by your side through your failures. I don't want to be your part time distraction, a mere afterthought after a busy day. I want to be the person you think of in the morning when you wake up and in the evening before you retire to bed.

I need you to show me who you really are. In this digital age, so many people hide behind their keyboards and cell phones. What we "see" isn't necessarily what we get. I want you to strip away all of the illusions and allow me to see the good and the bad. Your strengths as well as your weaknesses. I won't water myself down for you and I don't expect the same from you. I want to know you, completely unmasked and naked in all your personal glory. I need to know your most passionate desires and your deepest fears.

I need you to accept my children. Yes, I am a single mother, and with that comes school plays, sporting events, birthday parties, runny noses, fevers and a whole host of other distractions. Along with those distractions comes a plethora of hugs and kisses, funny stories, nights playing games and genuine love and affection. My children have a father, I don't expect you to step into that role. I would much rather you be their friend and mentor when the time is appropriate. I promise, the rewards are more than worth it.

I need you to be affectionate. I want to walk, proudly, by your side holding hands. Exchanging meaningful glances. Sharing inside jokes. Expressing our feelings for one another with kisses, some chaste, others passionate. I need you to be strong enough to take control yet soft enough to yield that control to me from time to time.

I need chemistry to be there. I need to be able to connect with you physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. I need companionship, but I also need to know that your desire for me is as deep as my desire for you.

I need you to be strong for me when I am at my weakest. I am human, I have bouts of crippling self doubt. I need you to be there while I cry it out. I need you to be my rock when I am a mere piece of paper twisting in a storm. I promise to be the same for you when you need me to be.

And most importantly, I need you to need these things from me. I will never ask of you what I won't willingly give to you.

Be true to yourself

I am a huuuuge advocate for sticking up for one's self. Anyone who ever asks me for relationship advice will hear the same thing "Don't ever settle". Well, I really need to start practicing what I preach. Sometimes it is easier to tell someone how to do something than it is to actually do it yourself. Relationships are a particularly tricky subject when it comes to this. In my defense, I have gotten much better about not tolerating crappy behavior in a relationship, but I do still have a long way to go, too.

I literally just got out of a nearly year long relationship with an amazing man. Unfortunately, he was emotionally distant. At first, I thought I could live with this. It was made very clear from the start that neither of us wanted our relationship to follow the traditional track towards marriage or even moving in together. Speaking for myself, I have been burned enough and didn't want to set myself for it again. He never spoke as to why he felt that way, but I have a very strong feeling it was for similar reasons. Whenever the topic of past relationships came up between, there was very little positive to talk about and I tried to respect his wish for privacy and not pry. Me, on the other hand, would mini rant. It's what us gals do. I tried not to go on and on, but on those days when one particular ex would piss me off, I'm sure I bitched too much. It happens.

Anyway...

I can honestly say this was hands down the MOST mature relationship I have ever had. Pretty sad to say this when I am on the brink of turning 43. We may not always have communicated with each other face to face on big topics, but talking via text seemed to flow fairly easy. My only real gripe was the fact that he never truly let me know where I stood with him. On more than one occasion, I told him I loved him (always via text because I didn't want him to feel pressured to respond in kind if I said it to his face). Sometimes it was in a joking tone, sometimes it was quite blunt. I told myself that I could live with his distance, but as time passed, it became more and more frustrating to me. We continued to spend time together, but I was always second guessing myself and us as a couple. There was also a huge physical disconnect that, for me, was a bigger source of frustration. The mere act of holding hands was almost unheard of as were even the most chaste of kisses. There were events I so badly wanted to attend, but if he didn't want to go, 99% of the time I wouldn't go either. Our time was mostly spent dining out, at home or with his friends. Don't get me wrong, his friends are a great group of people and I truly hope they remain my friends as well once news of our split gets out there, but we never did anything with anyone from outside of his social circle.

Last week, I was finally at my wits' end. I was ready to call it quits. Then came our Saturday afternoon lunch date, when things seemed to be going okay. "Seemed" being the operative word. After I returned home, he texted me and finally let me know where our relationship stood. He cared deeply for me and enjoyed our time together, but he wasn't in love with me and wouldn't be after the amount of time we had been together. He surprised me by saying he was willing to continue the relationship as it stood. Stunned, I didn't really have a reply to that. I spent that night at work talking with a friend between intermittent bouts of crying. The hardest part for me was trying to grasp the concept of not being in love with me but being willing to continue on. It didn't compute with my rational side and made even less sense to my emotional side. I went out after work and got rip-roaring drunk as I continued to try and figure things out. The next morning, I had a moment of true clarity. The point of being a relationship is to love and support one another. With no love, I could not--would not--continue on with him. I texted him and said what I had to say, crying as I did so. Letting go is never easy, especially after a significant period of time has passed, but it is what I had to do for myself. I told him that I couldn't do it, that I deserved to find the love and affection I deserved. Yes-I DESERVED! Finally, I was being true to myself.

I let my closest friends know of my decision to end things and all three expressed their support, telling me that my happiness was most important and that they were proud of me for finally allowing myself to move on. When asked if I was okay, I assured them that I needed a couple of days to grieve and that I would be fine. The bombshell was dropped on me Saturday, I made my decision to call it quits on Sunday and here it is Tuesday-48 hours tear free. I have to say, it feels good. Do I hate him? Not at all. In fact, I hope he one day finds the happiness he keeps denying himself. Do I still love him? Yes. You can't spend that much time with someone and instantly stop having feelings for them. Am I going to be okay? Yup. Getting stronger every day =) It is healthier for us both this way.

I spent nearly a year once again trying to put my partner's wants and needs ahead of my own and I am disappointed that I let it go on as long as I did. I talk a good game about never settling, but I turned around and did the one thing I advocate so strongly against. Does that make me a hypocrite? Fuck yes it does. But I promised myself when this relationship ended that I will not let it happen again. The day will come when I put myself out there and try to date again and I will sure as hell speak up when something bothers me. It isn't fair when one half of a relationship is unhappy with how they are being treated. It shouldn't work that way, whether it is intentional or not. In my case, I know it wasn't being done on purpose, but it WAS happening. And I let it continue.

Right now, I am sitting here contemplating if I am going to publish this immediately or if I am going

to let it sit for a period of time before hitting the publish button. Only a handful of my friends and co-workers know that we called it quits. I have no idea if he has told anyone yet or not. I suppose I could text him and ask, but I told him I wanted time and distance before we tried to take that step backward and become friends. I honestly want no contact with him at all for now.

Well, the whole point behind writing this is catharsis for myself, so publish immediately it is. I'm not going to promote the link for my friends to read, but if anyone stumbles across this post, so be it. For once, I am putting myself and my feelings first. Damn the consequences,