Abuse from the customers is NOT part of the job

 DISCLAIMER: THIS POST DOES NOT REFLECT MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE COMPANY I WORK FOR OR MY BOSS. THIS POST IS REGARDING THE INDUSTRY AS A WHOLE AND MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES.

The title of this post should be clear enough for even a two year old to understand, but I am going to say it again for those of you in the back. ABUSE FROM THE CUSTOMERS IS NOT PART OF THE JOB! Yet here we are. Me writing and you reading. 

Some of you know me personally and know what I do for a living. Some of you don't, but they may change as this post goes live and hopefully gets shared. For those of you who don't, Hi! My name is Aimee. I'm a 48 year old, single mom. I am also a chef who currently works as the GM of a locally owned bbq restaurant in Dayton, OH as I work towards opening my own bakery and candy shop. 

I have been in and out of-mostly in-this industry for 35 years now and I have seen a lot of things, but nothing compares to the abuse that so many of us are experiencing. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I am damn good at it. But lately, I am beginning to wonder if I shouldn't have left the industry when we got shut down last year like so many others have done. This pandemic has put literally everyone into a tailspin of some sort, but those of us that work in the restaurant and bar industry are among the hardest hit. Not only were most of us unceremoniously put out of work, we have struggled to receive the unemployment benefits we were promised with many still not receiving a penny even after a year. As we have worked to reopen, the hurdles we have faced and tackled have been numerous. 

Not only have we had to limit our seating, causing a strain on already tight profit margins, we have had to install equipment meant to keep our staff and customers safe from the spread of the virus. We have had to purchase additional supplies that are in high demand and are facing food shortages with every truck order. We are dealing with people reporting us to the local health departments because some adults can't seem adhere to the health department mandates. We are being verbally, sometimes physically, assaulted for trying to follow the guidelines we are being forced to implement so we can continue to operate. Folks, our industry has never been an easy one, but it has gotten downright ugly. So ugly, that surveys are indicating that between 15 and 18% of last year's employees have left for good. And I don't blame them!

My restaurant is typically a pretty benign place to work. As far as restaurants go, I refer to it as a unicorn job. The prep work and cooking I do is pretty simple and goes quickly. My boss has created a menu that is fast and easy to execute from start to finish. No early mornings, no late nights. At my location, no Sundays. I have two days off in a row. I have never had to argue over a schedule request or beg someone to pick up a shift for me. The neighborhood we are located in is full of good people who are generally patient and friendly. Some even go out of their way to bring me a coffee or a doughnut in the mornings or drop off a quick bite to eat in the evenings. All in all, work life is pretty good. One would think life is good, right? Well, it's not that simple. 

Everyone is under a lot of added stress and pressure right now because of COVID-19. Most people understand this and are accepting of all the extra safety precautions we have to follow and the menu outages we are experiencing, along with any other number of slight inconveniences we are all dealing with right now. But there are a handful of people that I refer to as the overly indulgent, self-important nobodies that think they are the only ones in the universe that matter. Their time and needs are above everyone else's and they view anything less than what they want as a personal insult. These people are making our lives hell day in and day out. 

We are being yelled at, cussed out, called names, threatened and harassed as we never have before and it's taking a toll on us. Mentally and physically. Some people are also being physically harmed. And there is no reason for this behavior other than the simple fact that some people have forgotten how to be compassionate human beings. This pandemic has brought out the best in some people, but in many more cases, it has brought out the worst. People have become short tempered, rude, hateful and downright disrespectful and it sickens me. I am absolutely disgusted by the behavior I have endured and that I see others have to endure. I have been begging people all along to simply be kind, but apparently that's too hard for some. 

Last night, I came home from work angry and fed up at the way I have been treated. I was ready to drop the proverbially match and walk away. Walk away from the industry that I have been apart of for nearly 75% of my life. The industry that I have given so much of my blood, sweat and tears for. The industry that has become the very core of my being, my soul. The industry that has made me into the woman I am today. All because some people refuse to be nice. Yes, I get it. Life is difficult right now. You're not the only one facing hard times. WE ALL ARE. Yes, you are not special. But is it really necessary to tear someone else down so you can feel better about yourself? 

I won't go into detail about all of the nasty things I have had to deal with over the past year. I don't think any of us have enough free time for that. Here are some of the lowlights. And I want you to ask yourself as you read through this list of customer inflicted abuse, is it really necessary to tear someone else down so you can feel better about yourself...

One day, a man came in and asked me if I knew why I was wearing a mask. Being the smart ass that I am, I quipped that I was wearing it because I didn't have a choice. I was wearing it out of respect for my boss and for his business. I followed this up with, "yes, I do know why I am wearing this mask". I was then subjected to a 15 minute diatribe about how I am going to hell because my faith isn't strong enough and I don't believe the same he does. Yes-a customer straight up told me that I was going to hell. 

Another customer called to place a carryout order during a busy Saturday evening dinner rush. A large carryout order. Like, so large, he should have called earlier in the day to ensure we had everything he wanted large. After requesting a quart of mac and cheese and being told that I did not have that much currently ready, he yelled to his wife to see what else she wanted and didn't bother to move the phone away from his mouth while doing so. Thanks for the busted eardrum, buddy! He asked how long it would be for a quart and I said about 20 minutes. He responded with fine, we can wait. I finished taking his order and told him his food would be ready for pickup in 25 minutes, allowing extra time to package everything up. He shows up ten minutes later and throws a tantrum because his order isn't ready yet. "We've already waited a half an hour, I don't understand how it isn't ready yet! You told meeeeeeee twenty minutes". He then proceeds to request an extra side of all 6 of our sauces but he doesn't want to pay for them. "I am stuck waiting on you, the least you can do is give it to me for free". I assured him he has plenty of sauce and think to myself, "No, the least I can do is kick your entitled ass out the door without your food", but instead, I give him his total and send him back home. Without extra sauce.

I have had customers berate me when we run out of ribs on rib night when they wait until the last minute to come in to eat. I have had customers yell at me because our menu prices are higher than they were in the past. I have been bitched at about the mask policy. People throw a tantrum over wearing a mask, people throw a fit if they see someone not wearing a mask. I had someone try to bring beer in with him to drink with his dinner and get nasty when I told him no. I have impatient Door Dashers who think it is ok to grab orders from the counter when I am working with another guest. I have people call and bitch that they can't get through at another company location, like there is some mysterious power I hold over that location where I can make them drop everything else and tend to this person's phone call. This list of abuse goes on and on, but I think I have said enough to prove my point.

I will be the first to admit that I am no saint. There are times I am not as friendly or warm as I should be with a guest because the bad behavior of another has momentarily put me in a bad mood. However, by the end of the transaction, I am laughing and joking with them and the experience has completely turned around. I try to approach every day as a new adventure no matter how sore or tired I am or how badly I want to stay at home and do something, anything else other than work. And believe me when I say I am tired and sore every day these days. Working longer hours, prepping more food and running around more than usual is taking its toll on this old lady. Some days, I am lucky if I am able to steal a bite of food between customers, let along take two minutes to stop and pee. I can't remember the last time I ate a hot meal from start to finish. The demands being placed on restaurant staff is at an all time high while we are operating with very limited resources. Please excuse me if I'm not Little Mary Sunshine all day, every day, but I am only a single human being.

Many industries are currently experiencing a labor shortage, but no one is suffering like us food people are. It has been estimated that between 15 and 18% have left the industry for good. Yes-I know I am repeating myself. It's for a good reason. Some are still on unemployment since there place of business hasn't reopened yet or is still operating under limited capacity. Many left during last year's shutdown for other jobs or to go to work for themselves, following their passions. More are choosing to leave because of the toxic atmosphere that many bars and restaurants have become. Some of this toxicity comes from the hands of ownership and management, while the vast majority is coming from the customers. If you had a job that historically pays crappy wages, why would you stick around when the people you serve starting treating you like you're less than nothing? It's not a difficult decision for many to make.

As I have already stated-abuse from the customers is not part of the job. It never should have been and it never should be. In the past, it was an uncommon occurrence. Now, it's happening daily. I am ever so thankful for the customers who understand we are struggling and approach us with patience, empathy and a kind word. You are the people that keep us coming back to work day in and day out. Thank you for being your awesome, wonderful selves. And if you happen to see yourself in my less than flattering words, I implore you to do better. BE BETTER. And if you choose not to, keep your ass at home and stop spreading misery. I honestly feel that the worst is yet to come as more people leave our industry for other ventures. And some of you only have yourselves to blame. We are not your punching bags and one day, we are going to start fighting back. 

I am going to keep on keeping on. I will continue to go to work and do what I do best. I take pride in being as tough as nails and not backing down from a challenge. I'm a bad ass and I know it. I wouldn't have made it this far in an industry that chews people up and spits them out if I wasn't. But if the day comes that I do walk away, just know it was some disrespectful asshole that finally pushed me over the edge. Please don't be that person. I'm going to ask it one more time, is it really necessary to tear someone else down so you can feel better about yourself? Abuse from the customers is not a part of our job. It is unneeded. It is unwanted. It is not helpful. IT IS DISGRACEFUL.

It's not about words, it's about actions

PREFACE: Current events have my head spinning right now. I have so many things I want to say, but I can't keep them straight in my brain. I want to reply to individual posts on Facebook, but I would just make myself crazy trying to do that. And to be honest, it would fall on deaf ears in many cases. By making this post public, I am putting myself out there to be scrutinized in a way I never have before. Some of you will look at me in a completely different light-for better and for worse. I hope this doesn't color the opinion of the people that matter most to me, but if it does, I guess they weren't the people I thought they were. But if my words, this post, can touch just one person deep down in their soul and help them to realize the flaw in their mentality, then it will be worth it.  

I suffer from a mental illness called borderline personality disorder. I'm not sure when exactly it manifested itself in me, but looking back, I exhibited traits as early as my high school years. It may go back even earlier, I am not sure. It is not a diagnosis to be taken lightly. For some it leads to shame, self doubt, depression-the worsening of symptoms present in so many that suffer from it. For me, it was an epiphany. Finally, I had a name for the demon that dwells inside of me. Instead of hiding my illness in shame, I embrace it as best as I can. I am very upfront and outspoken about my diagnosis, trying to shed a light on something that many see as shameful. I try and use it as a tool, teaching others about my disease and hoping to open their eyes and show them that all is not always as it seems.

For those who know nothing of this mental illness, borderline personality disorder is defined as a long term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self and unstable emotions. Sufferers often have a fear of abandonment, frequent dangerous behaviors, a feeling of emptiness and self harm. Drug and alcohol abuse are prevalent in sufferers, as are eating disorders and depression. Impulse control is another sign of borderline personality disorder. It is believed that 25% of those who suffer from BPD engage in sexually impulsive behaviors. I am but one of that 25%. Those of us who struggle with BPD and sexual impulsivity have a higher likelihood of becoming a victim of sexual coercion, date rape and being raped by a stranger. Why I am I revealing all of this now? Well, the media explosion about Donald Trump, his "locker room talk" and purported instances of sexual assault have my head absolutely spinning right now. I have seen so many deeply offensive, ignorant and ridiculous posts on Facebook these last few days that I felt that I had to respond in some fashion. Replying to each and every post would be entirely too time-consuming and I am sure the personal attacks would be immediate and harsh. I feel that responding in this way is the better-and longer lasting-alternative. This post is not meant to be a commentary about this year's presidential election nor is it meant to be a character assassination of Donald Trump. It also does not mean that I support Hillary Clinton. For the record, I am appalled at both of our major candidates and less than enthused about the two minor ones. This is simply my story of illness, sexual assault and why we as a nation need to re-evaluate our attitudes and behaviors about "boys being boys".

Trump: “I’ve gotta use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.” 
Bush: “Whatever you want.” 
Trump: “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Last Friday, a "hot mic" conversation that took place 11 years ago between Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and newsman Billy Bush was released to the public. Some are up in arms over the terminology Trump used. Personally, I could care less that he used the word "pussy" during the conversation. I have said worse for years and will continue to do so. I am a chef. I work in an industry dominated by men. I learned to have a thick skin and words rarely set me off. The words pussy, twat and cunt come out of my mouth on a regular basis. Crude? Yes. Rude? Yes. Disgusting? To most, yes. But my vocabulary is what is it. I will not apologize for being what I am. What does bother me is that Trump basically admitted to getting away with sexual assault because of who he is. "I don't even wait". Read those words carefully: I DON'T EVEN WAIT. The United States Department of Justice describes sexual assault as any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. I DON'T EVEN WAIT. When you pair Trump's words with the definition of sexual assault, you have a clear cut admission of him sexually assaulting women.

A lot of men-women, too-are guilty of sexual assault. Hell, following the letter of the law, I have assaulted a number of men because I didn't have their specific consent before touching them. But there is a world of difference between a flirtatious butt grab and using your wealth and status to kiss and grope someone. I have also apologized when my behavior has made someone uncomfortable and refrained from doing the same in the future. Some cases are obvious assaults while I believe some are misunderstandings. What really pisses me off is that Trump's behavior is deliberate and people are standing up for him! For all I care, it could be Joe Schmo who admitted his sexual assault and I would be just as pissed. Did you read that last sentence? I WOULD BE JUST AS PISSED. The only reason I am using Trump's name specifically is that this interview has put our society's bullshit attitudes about sexual assault in the national spotlight. You may be asking yourself what does all of this have to do with borderline personality disorder, sexual promiscuity and sexual assault? I'm getting there. Be patient.

As I stated before, I suffer from BPD. I am one of the 25% where it manifests itself in sexually promiscuous behavior. My illness has on more than one occasion led me into very dangerous situations. Situations where I am at a higher likelihood of becoming a victim of sexual coercion, date rape and being raped by a stranger. SITUATIONS WHERE I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY COERCED AND HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO BECOME A VICTIM OF DATE RAPE. While my scars are mental and not physical, I carry the scars of this assault with me all the same. I know that I am exceedingly lucky to have walked away with my life. So many women before me have not, and many more after me will not.

So many women are the victims of sexual assault in so many different ways. My assault took place in 1994. I was working as a stripper at the time and went out with a number of co-workers after our bar closed. Included in this group was one of the bouncers. One of the men whose job it was to keep us safe. Well, that cold winter night, I was anything but safe with him. The alcohol was flowing freely and inhibitions were lowered. What was intended to be nothing more than a hot and heavy makeout session quickly went south as my repeated utterances of "no", "I don't want to" and "stop, please" went ignored as he pushed his way into my body. At the time, I weighed all of 120 pounds to his 200+ pounds of mostly muscle. My feeble attempts to physically make him stop were easily thwarted and I became a victim of date rape. I had been sexually assaulted. Some of you may blame me for what happened, and in some way you are partially right. I allowed myself to get into a situation that spun out of control. However, no means no. NO MOTHER FUCKING MEANS NO! Some of you may blame me for going out with him in the first place. Some of you may say I never should have gotten drunk. Some of you will say it was ok to treat me this way since I worked as a stripper. Some of you will say it is ok because I engaged in sexual activity in the first place. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Those attitudes are just one of the many things wrong with this country. And why so many people are upset about the support being show to Donald Trump even after he admitted to sexually assaulting women. And why so many people are pissed off that Brock Turner got off with a sentence so light it fails to register as a slap on the wrist.

It is not Donald Trump's words that have so many people upset. It is his actions. His inability to see what he has done as wrong. It is the acceptance of such behavior by so any in this nation and the defense of it as "boys will be boys". Every time someone trivializes this kind of behavior, it trivializes what so any women have had to endure. What I have had to endure. It stops our healing, it cuts open old wounds, it makes fresh wounds bleed even longer.

• I see people posting memes that compare Trump's words to 50 Shades of Grey. I can't believe that some of my friends are so ignorant as to fall for that whitewash bullshit. Like I have repeatedly stated, it is not the words but the actions that have sparked the outrage in me and in so many others. 50 Shades of Grey is poorly written Twilight fan fiction. It is a guilty pleasure, an indulgence for many. It is not the real world people. It is fucking fantasy. Some people find BDSM titillating, myself included. I fail to see how anyone could find outright sexual assault as such. In this case, WORDS DON'T HURT PEOPLE, ACTIONS DO! 
• Some people are trying to shift the blame to over the top, sexually suggestive female performers such as Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman. This, too is a load of bullshit. I don't care how a woman dresses, how provocatively she performs on stage or how vulgar her comedic routine is. These are never excuses for sexual assault. Women are not the cause of the rape culture that is so blatant in our society. Allowing men to use bullshit excuses and handing out bullshit punishments are. 
• Others are using Bill Clinton's behavior while in office as an attempt to deflect the negative press from Trump. Clinton is no better than Trump, and trying to shift the blame from one to the other once again defeats the purpose of our moral outrage. This is not specifically ABOUT Trump, it is about the rape culture that permeates our society. Once again, you are trivializing sexual assault. 
• Some are trying to minimize the impact by shifting the blame away from men to women by making comments about how women talk when they get together. I must repeat myself-it is NOT THE WORDS BUT THE ACTIONS. Yeah, I cuss like a sailor and probably one of the most vulgar people I know. In a way, I wear that as a badge of my honor. But you know what, my foul mouth does not mean I engage in foul behavior. And I have never once used my position of power to sexually take advantage of a man. 

Does any of this make sense to you? I was sexually assaulted-a victim of date rape. Every time our society minimizes a woman's legitimate sexual assault, it minimizes the worth of the women within our society. It deeply disturbs me that so many men-and especially women-I know are ok with this behavior for the sole reason that it is the candidate they adore who just so happened to get thrust into this controversy. You have not realized until the moment you began reading this blog post that your words supporting this kind of behavior have cut your friend so deeply to the bone. Instead of hopping on the political bandwagon, try taking a small step back and looking at the entire picture. This is NOT about Donald Trump. This is NOT about this election cycle. This is NOT about Brock Turner. This is NOT about Bill Clinton. THIS IS ABOUT HOW FUCKING VILE OUR NATION HAS BECOME WHEN OUR MEMBERS OF SOCIETY ARE SUBJECTED TO BEING VIOLATED AND PEOPLE ARE OK WITH IT, THEY FUCKING DEFEND IT, THEY BRAG ABOUT IT AND SO MANY TURN A BLIND EYE TO IT!

I have never once spoken to anyone about the events that took place on that cold winter night in 1994. In part, I am somewhat responsible for what happened and I have always felt that that was my cross to carry. I never intended it to be a secret, but it remained one for a long time, up until now. I am not ashamed of it as so any are, it has just never been a conversational topic I felt the need to bring up. All of the events of the last few days ignited a fire in my soul that I could no longer contain. I am furious that so many people I know and associate are so willfully ignorant and easily casting aside a topic that so badly needs to be addressed by our society. Sexual assault is never ok. Period. End of story. This is not about politics. This is about stealing another's dignity, self worth, a part of their soul. And fuck you if you can't understand that!

Something to think about

I follow a blog named "Marc and Angel Hack Life". It's filled with all kinds of thought-provoking, inspiring posts that sometimes really help me find the center of what is (or should be) important in life. More than once I have uttered "a-ha!" to myself as I read their insightful posts. This one came through my email today and I felt compelled to share it with you guys. It made me stop and think, I hope it does you, as well! I highly recommend signing up to follow their blog, it really does help put this life into perspective.

When you’ve been running a successful personal development blog and life coaching business for the better part of a decade, one thing becomes crystal clear: Everyone has the same basic wants and needs. No kidding, over the years Marc and I have gotten to know thousands of people of different ethnic backgrounds, from different cities and countries, who live at various socioeconomic levels, and trust me, every one of us basically wants the same things. We want validation, love, happiness, fulfillment, money, and hopes for a better future. The way we pursue these needs is where things branch off, but the fundamentals are the same. Think about it. If I ask you, “Quickly, in one sentence, what do you want most out of life?” I bet your rushed response is going to be something like, “I want to be happy, and have a healthy family, and a career I like that pays well, etc." Your response is going to be so common and ubiquitous that it basically doesn’t even mean anything. Which is precisely why senseless, happy-go-lucky questions like this aren’t very helpful. And yet, this is precisely the kind of questions we often ask ourselves. So what kind of questions might you ask instead? Questions that force you into a corner. Questions that help you embrace the sacrifices it takes to get where you want to go. Questions that motivate you to focus on the next step forward. In other words, questions like...

1. What is worth suffering for? 
If you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the six-pack abs, you have to want the sweat, the sore muscles, the early mornings at the gym, and the low carb meals. If you want the successful business, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business deals and decisions, and the possibility of failing fifty times to learn what you need to know to succeed. If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is just an idealization, a fantasy, and a false promise. Maybe you don't actually want it at all, because you’re not willing to suffer though the work it’s going to take to achieve it. 

2. Based on my daily routines and actions, where can I expect to be in five years?
This question just backs up the first one. If you have an idea about what you want the next chapter of your life to look like, you have to DO things that support this idea every day. An idea, after all, isn’t going to do anything for you until you do something productive with it. In fact, as long as that great idea is just sitting around in your head it’s doing far more harm than good. Your subconscious mind knows you’re procrastinating on something that’s important to you. The necessary work that you keep postponing causes stress, anxiety, fear, and usually more procrastination – a vicious cycle that continues to worsen until you interrupt it with ACTION. 

3. What old rejections (or failures) are still holding me back?
All too often we let the rejections of our past dictate every move we make. We literally do not know ourselves to be any better than what some opinionated person or narrow circumstance once told us was true. Of course, an old rejection doesn’t mean we aren’t good enough; it just means some person or circumstance from our past failed to align with what we had to offer at the time. It means we were graced with more time to improve our thing – to build upon our ideas, to perfect our craft, and indulge deeper in to the work that moves us. Don’t let old rejections take up permanent residence in your head. Kick them out on the street. 

4. What is worth smiling about right now?
A recent scientific study at Duke University showed that doctors who are put in a positive mood before making a diagnosis consistently experience significant boosts to their intellectual abilities than doctors in a neutral state, which allows them to make accurate diagnoses almost 20% faster. The same study then shifted to other vocations and found that optimistic salespeople outsell their pessimistic counterparts by over 50%. Students primed to feel happy before taking math tests substantially outperform their neutral peers. So it turns out that our minds are literally hardwired to perform at their best not when they are negative, or even neutral, but when they are positive. 

5. Are the people around me helping me or hurting me?
A big part of who you become in life has to do with who you choose to surround yourself with. And as you know, it is better to be alone than in bad company. You simply cannot expect to live a positive, fulfilling life if you surround yourself with negative people. Distancing yourself from these people is never easy, but it’s a lot harder when they happen to be close friends or family members. As hard as it may be, it’s something you need to address. To a certain degree, luck controls who walks into your life, especially as it relates to your family and childhood friends, but you decide who you spend the majority of your time with.