It's not about words, it's about actions

PREFACE: Current events have my head spinning right now. I have so many things I want to say, but I can't keep them straight in my brain. I want to reply to individual posts on Facebook, but I would just make myself crazy trying to do that. And to be honest, it would fall on deaf ears in many cases. By making this post public, I am putting myself out there to be scrutinized in a way I never have before. Some of you will look at me in a completely different light-for better and for worse. I hope this doesn't color the opinion of the people that matter most to me, but if it does, I guess they weren't the people I thought they were. But if my words, this post, can touch just one person deep down in their soul and help them to realize the flaw in their mentality, then it will be worth it.  

I suffer from a mental illness called borderline personality disorder. I'm not sure when exactly it manifested itself in me, but looking back, I exhibited traits as early as my high school years. It may go back even earlier, I am not sure. It is not a diagnosis to be taken lightly. For some it leads to shame, self doubt, depression-the worsening of symptoms present in so many that suffer from it. For me, it was an epiphany. Finally, I had a name for the demon that dwells inside of me. Instead of hiding my illness in shame, I embrace it as best as I can. I am very upfront and outspoken about my diagnosis, trying to shed a light on something that many see as shameful. I try and use it as a tool, teaching others about my disease and hoping to open their eyes and show them that all is not always as it seems.

For those who know nothing of this mental illness, borderline personality disorder is defined as a long term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by unstable relationships with other people, unstable sense of self and unstable emotions. Sufferers often have a fear of abandonment, frequent dangerous behaviors, a feeling of emptiness and self harm. Drug and alcohol abuse are prevalent in sufferers, as are eating disorders and depression. Impulse control is another sign of borderline personality disorder. It is believed that 25% of those who suffer from BPD engage in sexually impulsive behaviors. I am but one of that 25%. Those of us who struggle with BPD and sexual impulsivity have a higher likelihood of becoming a victim of sexual coercion, date rape and being raped by a stranger. Why I am I revealing all of this now? Well, the media explosion about Donald Trump, his "locker room talk" and purported instances of sexual assault have my head absolutely spinning right now. I have seen so many deeply offensive, ignorant and ridiculous posts on Facebook these last few days that I felt that I had to respond in some fashion. Replying to each and every post would be entirely too time-consuming and I am sure the personal attacks would be immediate and harsh. I feel that responding in this way is the better-and longer lasting-alternative. This post is not meant to be a commentary about this year's presidential election nor is it meant to be a character assassination of Donald Trump. It also does not mean that I support Hillary Clinton. For the record, I am appalled at both of our major candidates and less than enthused about the two minor ones. This is simply my story of illness, sexual assault and why we as a nation need to re-evaluate our attitudes and behaviors about "boys being boys".

Trump: “I’ve gotta use some Tic Tacs, just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.” 
Bush: “Whatever you want.” 
Trump: “Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

Last Friday, a "hot mic" conversation that took place 11 years ago between Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump and newsman Billy Bush was released to the public. Some are up in arms over the terminology Trump used. Personally, I could care less that he used the word "pussy" during the conversation. I have said worse for years and will continue to do so. I am a chef. I work in an industry dominated by men. I learned to have a thick skin and words rarely set me off. The words pussy, twat and cunt come out of my mouth on a regular basis. Crude? Yes. Rude? Yes. Disgusting? To most, yes. But my vocabulary is what is it. I will not apologize for being what I am. What does bother me is that Trump basically admitted to getting away with sexual assault because of who he is. "I don't even wait". Read those words carefully: I DON'T EVEN WAIT. The United States Department of Justice describes sexual assault as any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the explicit consent of the recipient. I DON'T EVEN WAIT. When you pair Trump's words with the definition of sexual assault, you have a clear cut admission of him sexually assaulting women.

A lot of men-women, too-are guilty of sexual assault. Hell, following the letter of the law, I have assaulted a number of men because I didn't have their specific consent before touching them. But there is a world of difference between a flirtatious butt grab and using your wealth and status to kiss and grope someone. I have also apologized when my behavior has made someone uncomfortable and refrained from doing the same in the future. Some cases are obvious assaults while I believe some are misunderstandings. What really pisses me off is that Trump's behavior is deliberate and people are standing up for him! For all I care, it could be Joe Schmo who admitted his sexual assault and I would be just as pissed. Did you read that last sentence? I WOULD BE JUST AS PISSED. The only reason I am using Trump's name specifically is that this interview has put our society's bullshit attitudes about sexual assault in the national spotlight. You may be asking yourself what does all of this have to do with borderline personality disorder, sexual promiscuity and sexual assault? I'm getting there. Be patient.

As I stated before, I suffer from BPD. I am one of the 25% where it manifests itself in sexually promiscuous behavior. My illness has on more than one occasion led me into very dangerous situations. Situations where I am at a higher likelihood of becoming a victim of sexual coercion, date rape and being raped by a stranger. SITUATIONS WHERE I HAVE BEEN SEXUALLY COERCED AND HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO BECOME A VICTIM OF DATE RAPE. While my scars are mental and not physical, I carry the scars of this assault with me all the same. I know that I am exceedingly lucky to have walked away with my life. So many women before me have not, and many more after me will not.

So many women are the victims of sexual assault in so many different ways. My assault took place in 1994. I was working as a stripper at the time and went out with a number of co-workers after our bar closed. Included in this group was one of the bouncers. One of the men whose job it was to keep us safe. Well, that cold winter night, I was anything but safe with him. The alcohol was flowing freely and inhibitions were lowered. What was intended to be nothing more than a hot and heavy makeout session quickly went south as my repeated utterances of "no", "I don't want to" and "stop, please" went ignored as he pushed his way into my body. At the time, I weighed all of 120 pounds to his 200+ pounds of mostly muscle. My feeble attempts to physically make him stop were easily thwarted and I became a victim of date rape. I had been sexually assaulted. Some of you may blame me for what happened, and in some way you are partially right. I allowed myself to get into a situation that spun out of control. However, no means no. NO MOTHER FUCKING MEANS NO! Some of you may blame me for going out with him in the first place. Some of you may say I never should have gotten drunk. Some of you will say it was ok to treat me this way since I worked as a stripper. Some of you will say it is ok because I engaged in sexual activity in the first place. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Those attitudes are just one of the many things wrong with this country. And why so many people are upset about the support being show to Donald Trump even after he admitted to sexually assaulting women. And why so many people are pissed off that Brock Turner got off with a sentence so light it fails to register as a slap on the wrist.

It is not Donald Trump's words that have so many people upset. It is his actions. His inability to see what he has done as wrong. It is the acceptance of such behavior by so any in this nation and the defense of it as "boys will be boys". Every time someone trivializes this kind of behavior, it trivializes what so any women have had to endure. What I have had to endure. It stops our healing, it cuts open old wounds, it makes fresh wounds bleed even longer.

• I see people posting memes that compare Trump's words to 50 Shades of Grey. I can't believe that some of my friends are so ignorant as to fall for that whitewash bullshit. Like I have repeatedly stated, it is not the words but the actions that have sparked the outrage in me and in so many others. 50 Shades of Grey is poorly written Twilight fan fiction. It is a guilty pleasure, an indulgence for many. It is not the real world people. It is fucking fantasy. Some people find BDSM titillating, myself included. I fail to see how anyone could find outright sexual assault as such. In this case, WORDS DON'T HURT PEOPLE, ACTIONS DO! 
• Some people are trying to shift the blame to over the top, sexually suggestive female performers such as Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Amy Schumer and Sarah Silverman. This, too is a load of bullshit. I don't care how a woman dresses, how provocatively she performs on stage or how vulgar her comedic routine is. These are never excuses for sexual assault. Women are not the cause of the rape culture that is so blatant in our society. Allowing men to use bullshit excuses and handing out bullshit punishments are. 
• Others are using Bill Clinton's behavior while in office as an attempt to deflect the negative press from Trump. Clinton is no better than Trump, and trying to shift the blame from one to the other once again defeats the purpose of our moral outrage. This is not specifically ABOUT Trump, it is about the rape culture that permeates our society. Once again, you are trivializing sexual assault. 
• Some are trying to minimize the impact by shifting the blame away from men to women by making comments about how women talk when they get together. I must repeat myself-it is NOT THE WORDS BUT THE ACTIONS. Yeah, I cuss like a sailor and probably one of the most vulgar people I know. In a way, I wear that as a badge of my honor. But you know what, my foul mouth does not mean I engage in foul behavior. And I have never once used my position of power to sexually take advantage of a man. 

Does any of this make sense to you? I was sexually assaulted-a victim of date rape. Every time our society minimizes a woman's legitimate sexual assault, it minimizes the worth of the women within our society. It deeply disturbs me that so many men-and especially women-I know are ok with this behavior for the sole reason that it is the candidate they adore who just so happened to get thrust into this controversy. You have not realized until the moment you began reading this blog post that your words supporting this kind of behavior have cut your friend so deeply to the bone. Instead of hopping on the political bandwagon, try taking a small step back and looking at the entire picture. This is NOT about Donald Trump. This is NOT about this election cycle. This is NOT about Brock Turner. This is NOT about Bill Clinton. THIS IS ABOUT HOW FUCKING VILE OUR NATION HAS BECOME WHEN OUR MEMBERS OF SOCIETY ARE SUBJECTED TO BEING VIOLATED AND PEOPLE ARE OK WITH IT, THEY FUCKING DEFEND IT, THEY BRAG ABOUT IT AND SO MANY TURN A BLIND EYE TO IT!

I have never once spoken to anyone about the events that took place on that cold winter night in 1994. In part, I am somewhat responsible for what happened and I have always felt that that was my cross to carry. I never intended it to be a secret, but it remained one for a long time, up until now. I am not ashamed of it as so any are, it has just never been a conversational topic I felt the need to bring up. All of the events of the last few days ignited a fire in my soul that I could no longer contain. I am furious that so many people I know and associate are so willfully ignorant and easily casting aside a topic that so badly needs to be addressed by our society. Sexual assault is never ok. Period. End of story. This is not about politics. This is about stealing another's dignity, self worth, a part of their soul. And fuck you if you can't understand that!

A reason, a season, a lifetime

The old saying a reason, a season or a lifetime is resonating through my brain for some reason this morning. If you are unfamiliar with it, please read the photo I added to this post for a bit of clarity. It states that "People come into our life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." By and large, I do believe this to be true. Some people are meant to be in your life for a brief moment, a quick blip of the radar screen of life while others are meant to be there for the long haul. Some blow in like a summer storm and breeze back out just as quickly. A reason. A season. A lifetime. Up until today, it has just been saying, having no real substance in the grand scheme of my life. I believe it is the re-emergence of some people from my past that has the saying suddenly at the front and center of my mind.

A REASON
Some people have crossed my path for the sole purpose of teaching me a lesson. Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but always a learning experience. Last night I received a message from the ghost of boyfriends past. Someone I had a fling with years and years ago that I tried reconciling with over the summer. His reason? I believe the reason he entered my life again was to teach me the value of honesty and being truthful, especially with myself. I have always valued honesty in all of my relationships, but for my closest loved ones, it is vital. However, I have always struggled to maintain complete honesty with myself. I tell myself that I am ok being single. And I am. But deep down, I want that someone special to come into my life and share the up's and down's and everything in between's.

The short time we were together this summer was packed with lies. Little white ones and huge grand daddy whopper ones. Fortunately, I caught on quickly and ended things as fast as they started. The last couple months have been filled with silence until he suddenly sent me a message last night. Not wanting to hear any more lies or excuses I hit the delete button and asked a mutual friend to tell him that I wanted no contact with him. It seems that he is now suffering from brain cancer. Maybe he wants to right his wrongs. But I doubt it. Two of the three pictures he posted of his "tumor" were lifted from the internet. Yeah, so much for atonement.

Honesty...

Honesty is such a lonely word. Everyone is so untrue. Honesty is hardly ever heard, and mostly what I need from you

Aahhh, Good old Billy Joel. Singer, piano player and lyricist extraordinaire. Honesty is what I need most from myself and from others. It may be cold and brutal at times, but I would rather hurt for a moment than suffer a lifetime of scars.

A SEASON
Longer than a reason but shorter than a lifetime. Therein lies "the season". Seasonal people may literally be a part of your life for just a season, but some stick around for a longer span of time. I believe they also enter one's life to teach a lesson, but their teachings are a lot less in your face or blunt as the "reasons" are. These lessons require more time and detail to learn and fully appreciate. Seasons are the mentors, the tutors, the teachers. I am a chef by trade and have learned so many wonderful lessons from so many knowledgeable people in my vocation. These people make up the bulk of my seasons. I have worked side by side with many seasons, learning the craft and soaking up their knowledge. Just last weekend, I found myself being another cook's season. It was a wonderful moment when I realized that the lessons I have learned in the kitchen were being passed on to the next generation.

I have worn the title of "manager" or "chef" for a number of years now and it has always felt a little uncomfortable to me. I have no formal degree in either, instead learning directly from others and through trial and error on my own. And let me tell you, there have been some momentous errors along the way, both in my approach to managing others and in cooking technique. While I rarely seek out the manager title, it often gets bestowed upon me and I am learning to accept it. Will I ever truly be comfortable with it? Probably not, but que sera, sera. The only true part of being the leader that I truly embrace is the sharing of the knowledge I have collected along the way. For me, the 29 years I have spent in the kitchen has been worth every drop of blood, sweat and tear shed since it means I get to be someone else's season and teach them the lessons I have learned. If only one person I have helped moves on to a leadership position and continues the cycle of learning, my time will have been well spent. To all my seasons, I thank you and hope our paths will cross again one day!

A LIFETIME
This one may seem obvious to most of you. A lifetime is a person who has been there from the start, yes? Not always. My lifetimes have run the gamut of time spent in my life. They need not necessarily be a physical presence from beginning to end to be a "lifetime". It is how deeply they touch the heart that makes someone a lifetime in my eyes. Some of my lifetimes are actually fairly recent additions to my life, while others made an early exit from my existence.

I lost my mother at the age of 15 and my father at age 24. They are hands down the greatest influences on my life, as parents usually are, but for vastly different reasons. My mother was a harsh, cruel woman with narcissistic tendencies and a propensity for abuse. Harsh words were routinely spoken and punishments swift and severe. It has not been easy, but I am one of the lucky few who have been able to overcome the cycle of abuse and I use her words and actions daily to be a better parent to my children. Not every lesson learned from my mother was bad, though. She did teach me the love of cooking and reading. Those two skills have carried me further in my life than anything else ever could have. For everything bad my mother said or did, my father desperately tried to compensate for. He was not an emotional or affectionate man, so the smallest gesture from him was a huge deal to me. He taught me the value of hard work and what it means to go above and beyond what is expected. He nurtured my creative side and urged me to pursue my passions, however fleeting they were. While my parents couldn't have been any more opposite of each other, the lessons they taught me will most certainly last my lifetime and I hope some of those will linger through future generations of my family.

A more recent addition to my lifetimers is a friend and former roommate of mine. We met at work and hit it off from the start, but I kept her at arm's length, as I usually do with people. Even while we lived together, I tried to maintain a certain amount of space between us. She saw me at my best and at my worst, but she never saw all of me. She still hasn't, but I am working on that. I was recently a bridesmaid in her wedding and that was such an eye-opening experience for me. I have been a member in other wedding parties, but hers was different. I have never played well with other females, preferring the company of men, but she has taught me the value of a strong female focused friendship. I have started letting my down and letting more women into my inner circle and I am finding myself a better person for it. She may have entered my life later than most, but her influence has most certainly been far reaching.

At any given time in our lives, we are somebody's reason, season or lifetime. I have learned that this is how we grow and become better people. Some of us learn the lessons we need in order to live a happier, more enriched life. Some will keep their eyes closed to the very lessons they need to learn. My request to all of you is to please open your eyes and hearts to the lessons surrounding you every day and try to make the most of them. We will all be better people for it. If you find yourself in the position of being the teacher, try to teach gently and kindly, with patience and compassion. Life is hard and it teaches us some very harsh truths. Try to buffer these harsh realities with strength in your convictions, truth in your words and love in your hearts.