What I need to love again

Relationships come and relationships go. I envy that small handful of people who somehow manage to get it right the first time. Hell, I envy those who struggle through years of failed relationships only to find the love of their life when they need them the most. There have been a handful of times that I felt I had finally found the person I was meant to spend my life with, only to find out somewhere down the road that I was wrong. Again. Yeah, sometimes it has been my own fault, falling for someone so completely wrong for me that everyone could see disaster coming miles away, all the while, I was blinded by something I perceived to be so much more than it was. I fully admit that my fatal flaw is falling for those who can't, or won't, fall for me. Sometimes, the demise of the relationship was through no fault of my own. And then there were those times when a relationship fell apart simply because. No rhyme or reason, it just did. The beauty of love is that you can learn from it and grow, not just as a partner in future relationships, but as a whole person. I have taken every one of my past relationships and learned from them. Sometimes the lessons learned have been excruciatingly painful while others serve as a gentle reminder.

I recently found myself single again after being in a relationship for nearly a year. 50 weeks. 351 days. I'm not going to do the math to break down hours, minutes or seconds, it really isn't that important to me. What is important is the lesson I learned-that I allow myself to settle far too often for less than what I deserve. Yes, I said deserve. I allow myself to go without many of the things I so desperately need from a romantic partner. We all have those things that we want in a partner/relationship, but we also have needs. These needs are the things that we should never allow ourselves to waver from, but all too often we do because we are afraid of being alone. After much thoughtful introspection, I have finally figured out exactly what it is that I need before I will allow myself to fall in love again.

I need to have complete and total trust in you. My walls are built high. Probably higher than any man
should have to try and scale to win my heart, but they are what they are. I need to know that you can accept all of me-the good and the bad-and that you won't turn tail and run when things get tough. Because they will get tough. That's a part of life that won't ever change. I have been betrayed before and I find it difficult to trust (myself as well as others), but if you can show me that you are worthy of my trust, I promise you a partner whose trust in you will never bend. Trust is a two way street-believe in me and I will believe in you.

To quote Cheap Trick, "I need you to need me". When the time comes that I enter another relationship, I don't want it to be something casual. I want it to go somewhere. Where, I'm not sure. But I am sure of where I don't want it to go-nowhere. I need to know that you need me in your life as much as I need you. I want to be the one thing that is constant-the person you call when the news is good and bad. The person who will help celebrate your triumphs and stand by your side through your failures. I don't want to be your part time distraction, a mere afterthought after a busy day. I want to be the person you think of in the morning when you wake up and in the evening before you retire to bed.

I need you to show me who you really are. In this digital age, so many people hide behind their keyboards and cell phones. What we "see" isn't necessarily what we get. I want you to strip away all of the illusions and allow me to see the good and the bad. Your strengths as well as your weaknesses. I won't water myself down for you and I don't expect the same from you. I want to know you, completely unmasked and naked in all your personal glory. I need to know your most passionate desires and your deepest fears.

I need you to accept my children. Yes, I am a single mother, and with that comes school plays, sporting events, birthday parties, runny noses, fevers and a whole host of other distractions. Along with those distractions comes a plethora of hugs and kisses, funny stories, nights playing games and genuine love and affection. My children have a father, I don't expect you to step into that role. I would much rather you be their friend and mentor when the time is appropriate. I promise, the rewards are more than worth it.

I need you to be affectionate. I want to walk, proudly, by your side holding hands. Exchanging meaningful glances. Sharing inside jokes. Expressing our feelings for one another with kisses, some chaste, others passionate. I need you to be strong enough to take control yet soft enough to yield that control to me from time to time.

I need chemistry to be there. I need to be able to connect with you physically as well as emotionally and intellectually. I need companionship, but I also need to know that your desire for me is as deep as my desire for you.

I need you to be strong for me when I am at my weakest. I am human, I have bouts of crippling self doubt. I need you to be there while I cry it out. I need you to be my rock when I am a mere piece of paper twisting in a storm. I promise to be the same for you when you need me to be.

And most importantly, I need you to need these things from me. I will never ask of you what I won't willingly give to you.

2016 Reading Challenge

Reading is one of my all-time favorite hobbies and over the course of the last year, I have denied myself this simple pleasure far too many times. I stumbled across this graphic at the turn of the New Year and have finally decide the time to accept the challenge is NOW. In addition to these 12 items, I am challenging myself to read 52 additional books this year. If I had started on time, that would be a book a week. But always the procrastinator, I am starting late. That's ok, once I get back in the habit of more books and less Facebook, balance will be restored to my world =) To keep myself honest throughout the year, I will be writing reviews of each book I read so I (and you guys) can keep up with my progress. 

Be true to yourself

I am a huuuuge advocate for sticking up for one's self. Anyone who ever asks me for relationship advice will hear the same thing "Don't ever settle". Well, I really need to start practicing what I preach. Sometimes it is easier to tell someone how to do something than it is to actually do it yourself. Relationships are a particularly tricky subject when it comes to this. In my defense, I have gotten much better about not tolerating crappy behavior in a relationship, but I do still have a long way to go, too.

I literally just got out of a nearly year long relationship with an amazing man. Unfortunately, he was emotionally distant. At first, I thought I could live with this. It was made very clear from the start that neither of us wanted our relationship to follow the traditional track towards marriage or even moving in together. Speaking for myself, I have been burned enough and didn't want to set myself for it again. He never spoke as to why he felt that way, but I have a very strong feeling it was for similar reasons. Whenever the topic of past relationships came up between, there was very little positive to talk about and I tried to respect his wish for privacy and not pry. Me, on the other hand, would mini rant. It's what us gals do. I tried not to go on and on, but on those days when one particular ex would piss me off, I'm sure I bitched too much. It happens.

Anyway...

I can honestly say this was hands down the MOST mature relationship I have ever had. Pretty sad to say this when I am on the brink of turning 43. We may not always have communicated with each other face to face on big topics, but talking via text seemed to flow fairly easy. My only real gripe was the fact that he never truly let me know where I stood with him. On more than one occasion, I told him I loved him (always via text because I didn't want him to feel pressured to respond in kind if I said it to his face). Sometimes it was in a joking tone, sometimes it was quite blunt. I told myself that I could live with his distance, but as time passed, it became more and more frustrating to me. We continued to spend time together, but I was always second guessing myself and us as a couple. There was also a huge physical disconnect that, for me, was a bigger source of frustration. The mere act of holding hands was almost unheard of as were even the most chaste of kisses. There were events I so badly wanted to attend, but if he didn't want to go, 99% of the time I wouldn't go either. Our time was mostly spent dining out, at home or with his friends. Don't get me wrong, his friends are a great group of people and I truly hope they remain my friends as well once news of our split gets out there, but we never did anything with anyone from outside of his social circle.

Last week, I was finally at my wits' end. I was ready to call it quits. Then came our Saturday afternoon lunch date, when things seemed to be going okay. "Seemed" being the operative word. After I returned home, he texted me and finally let me know where our relationship stood. He cared deeply for me and enjoyed our time together, but he wasn't in love with me and wouldn't be after the amount of time we had been together. He surprised me by saying he was willing to continue the relationship as it stood. Stunned, I didn't really have a reply to that. I spent that night at work talking with a friend between intermittent bouts of crying. The hardest part for me was trying to grasp the concept of not being in love with me but being willing to continue on. It didn't compute with my rational side and made even less sense to my emotional side. I went out after work and got rip-roaring drunk as I continued to try and figure things out. The next morning, I had a moment of true clarity. The point of being a relationship is to love and support one another. With no love, I could not--would not--continue on with him. I texted him and said what I had to say, crying as I did so. Letting go is never easy, especially after a significant period of time has passed, but it is what I had to do for myself. I told him that I couldn't do it, that I deserved to find the love and affection I deserved. Yes-I DESERVED! Finally, I was being true to myself.

I let my closest friends know of my decision to end things and all three expressed their support, telling me that my happiness was most important and that they were proud of me for finally allowing myself to move on. When asked if I was okay, I assured them that I needed a couple of days to grieve and that I would be fine. The bombshell was dropped on me Saturday, I made my decision to call it quits on Sunday and here it is Tuesday-48 hours tear free. I have to say, it feels good. Do I hate him? Not at all. In fact, I hope he one day finds the happiness he keeps denying himself. Do I still love him? Yes. You can't spend that much time with someone and instantly stop having feelings for them. Am I going to be okay? Yup. Getting stronger every day =) It is healthier for us both this way.

I spent nearly a year once again trying to put my partner's wants and needs ahead of my own and I am disappointed that I let it go on as long as I did. I talk a good game about never settling, but I turned around and did the one thing I advocate so strongly against. Does that make me a hypocrite? Fuck yes it does. But I promised myself when this relationship ended that I will not let it happen again. The day will come when I put myself out there and try to date again and I will sure as hell speak up when something bothers me. It isn't fair when one half of a relationship is unhappy with how they are being treated. It shouldn't work that way, whether it is intentional or not. In my case, I know it wasn't being done on purpose, but it WAS happening. And I let it continue.

Right now, I am sitting here contemplating if I am going to publish this immediately or if I am going

to let it sit for a period of time before hitting the publish button. Only a handful of my friends and co-workers know that we called it quits. I have no idea if he has told anyone yet or not. I suppose I could text him and ask, but I told him I wanted time and distance before we tried to take that step backward and become friends. I honestly want no contact with him at all for now.

Well, the whole point behind writing this is catharsis for myself, so publish immediately it is. I'm not going to promote the link for my friends to read, but if anyone stumbles across this post, so be it. For once, I am putting myself and my feelings first. Damn the consequences,

Welcome to Perfectly Plesa

I am going to be honest straight out of the gate, Perfectly Plesa was my second choice name for this blog. I really wanted Absolutely Aimee, but that blog address was already taken. Most likely by some blog squatter who registered the name then never did a damn thing with the blog. That happens more often than not in the blogosphere and its the main reason why I loathe creating new blogs so much. Finding a name that isn't already taken can quickly become a lesson in futility. The only thing I hate more than naming a blog is choosing the proper background, but I will save that bitch session for another day...

Anyway, welcome to my newest blog. Yes, I said newest blog. If you don't already know, I am a fairly prolific writer and have active blogs set up on a number of totally eclectic topics such as food, green living and sexual health. I created this blog more as more personal sounding board-to write about the things that don't fit into my other blogs as well as more personal topics. Sometimes controversial topics. Before you proceed, I feel the need to make this disclaimer: topics on this blog may cause you to pee your pants in laughter, blush in embarrassment, cause moments of deep introspection and probably cause you to sputter in anger. I tend to approach life with a no-holds barred attitude and this blog certainly will highlight that. Few things will be considered sacred and some will be heavily ridiculed or criticized. That's just how I am-take it or leave it. The choice is up to you.

Now, for a little about what makes me uniquely me. I am a single mother of 4, chef, writer and shit pot stirrer. I fight tirelessly for the underdog and am a firm believer in freewill so long as your decisions do not harm others. I am a huge fan of classic rock, heavy metal, 80's and classical music, I think horror movies are the simply the best and I will read virtually anything I can get my hands on. I am a small business owner and volunteer my time and talents whenever I can. I currently work in a local bar and love what I do. I have a small and eclectic group of friends that I will fight tooth and nail for if needed. I am the minion of two of the devil's advocates that I named Stout and Porter (they are rescued barn kittens that I am 98% sure are part Bengal based on their sometimes annoying mental and vocal abilities). I am a self-proclaimed craft beer snob and am embarking on the journey to become a certified cicerone. I am also writing my first cookbook, which is dedicated to the Ohio craft beer industry. I love snowy days and one day hope to live in a lake side cabin in the mountains. I prefer Coke to Pepsi, toilet paper under the roll not over and night over day. Anything else? Just ask. My life is virtually an open book!

Disclaimer: Some of the things I will be writing about will include the occasional product review. Many of these review items are provided to me free of charge in exchange for my honest critique. There are very rare occasions where I may receive a cash payment in exchange for a post. Neither free items nor cash will EVER color my opinion about a product. The reviews I write are 100% me and mine, your mileage and opinion may vary. I will also sometimes post affiliate links, in the body of an article or as a list after the fact. If a link interests, please click thru. I may or may not make a few pennies for your effort. For me, writing is cathartic, but if I can make a little pocket change in the process, I am certainly NOT going to turn it down!